1 post tagged “the”

My recent discovery of the Shins left me in a bit of a philosophical quandary. If I could could be deeply moved by a piece of music that was readily identifiable with a genre that I had  long disdained, what was becoming of the rigid structure on which I based the whole of my musical understanding? For a person who finds comfort in stark black-white contrasts, this new gray of my musical understanding left me uneasy.

So what to do? Learn to cope in an adult world in which certainty and absolutism are obstacles to nuanced thinking?

Heck no. That's loser talk. No, what I needed was a new, absolutist theory to replace my old crumbling one about the bland sameness of Pitchfork-approved indie rock. It was then, like a flash, that it hit me. I suddenly knew how Newton or Einstein must have felt when they puzzled out their little theories.

The one, unifying factor behind all great bands is the definite article. That's the word "the" for you non-grammar nerds out there. It's all so very simple. Great rock bands have the word "the" somewhere in their name. This is not to say that all bands with the word "the" in their name are great, or even good (I'm looking at you The Grateful Dead) but it is to say that all truly great bands are called "the" something, and that bands without a "the" are suspect.

Need more proof? Here are some of the bands starting with "the":
- The Rolling Stones
- The Clash
- The Ramones
- The Replacements
- The Old 97s
- The Velvet Underground
- The Specials
- The Jam
- The Kinks

And some that don't:
- Boston
- Yes
- Kansas
- Deep Blue Something
- Hoobastank
- Limp Biskit
- Wilco
- Pavement

Has anything ever been clearer? It's like a great fog has been lifted. I just hope the Nobel committee recognizes me in my own lifetime.