3 posts tagged “hotrod”
You know I like Hotrod, but it'd be nice if he could shut up about himself for five minutes. For the past two months he's been telling anyone who'd listen about his upcoming birthday, the exact flavor of brownie he wanted, what color streamers were appropriate for a newly minted 46-year-old and the exact key we should use in singing Happy Birthday. At least I wasn't there for his tiara fitting. Dreadful.
Anyway, we all got together earlier tonight for the fist of several Hotrod's birthday-related outings. The whole DC Vox crew was there -- Emma, Midwest Gal, Akai, Aussie Bob, Eileen and the Mysterious Dan. The venue was one of those newfangled bowling joints where they dim the lights, flash Rorschach images above the pins and charge $9 for watered down vodka gimlets (what, people don't drink those anymore? Sorry, it's been awhile). Still, for all the mood lighting, pricey drinks, and Hotrod's constant preening, we had a pretty good time. Lucky Strike's major contribution to world cuisine is a ball of macaroni and cheese, rolled in batter and deep fried. I'd like to be able to tell you that I find these gross, and opted instead for a salad, but I think they might be the best thing ever. I ate 50 or so.
It was probably the macaroni bites that propelled me to my awesome bowling performance. By the fifth frame, I had already topped Hotrod's score for the whole game. I think I ended up with a 274 or something, though I never keep track, because I play more for the fun of the game, than out of any desire to compete with my brothers and sisters.
Good times all around.
(Oh and I realize that I'm cutting it a wee bit close in with this week's entry in the 52 Posts in 52 Weeks challenge, but don't take it as weakness on my part. All part of my master plan. The pie will be mine.)
With the Eight Annual Karaoke to the Death VIII fast upon us, the editors at Dabysan in Hammersmith Palais thought it would be a good time take a closer look at some of the main competitors: their strengths, weaknesses and potential obstacles to taking home Lord Ramsey's Cup.
What makes Hotrod great? Preparation, effort and a steely will to win. Hotrod's reedy, tremulous voice is certainly bad, but not the worst KttD patrons are likely to hear. His wooden stage presence, sweaty delivery and sickly pallor paint an ugly picture, but is not as morbidly off-putting as say Cap'n Crunch or Soo Doh Nim. But Hotrod has always made up for whatever deficiencies he may possess by simply outworking everyone else. Nobody watches more game tape, nobody reviews and discards more possible songs, nobody practices as hard and nobody prepares themselves with as much vigor (think Clubber Lang in Rocky III). It's pretty much a given that when KttD rolls around, Hotrod will be there, ready to stand and deliver. Competitors who aren't ready to compete may as well not show up at all.
Strengths: There's a reason why Hotrod is the only two-time champion in KttD history. He's got all the tools, and more importantly, all the desire, to win every time he gets on stage. Nobody puts their bad voice and nervous stage presence together with really terrible songs better than Hotrod. And word from Hotrod's inner circle is that he is eager to avenge last year's embarrassingly decent performance with something for the ages. Hotrod's larger-than-life presence looms large over KttD, and under the right circumstances he could easily become the first three-time champion on February 17th.
Weaknesses: It almost seems unfair to call them weaknesses. Hotrod is still as bad as he's always been, and that badness was enough to earn him two World Championships of bad karaoke. It's not that Hotrod has developed weaknesses, so much as it is that the new wave of KttD competitor is like nothing the bad singing world has ever before witnessed. Facing a murderer's row of tone-deaf musical butchers, Hotrod needs to work twice as hard every year, and at some point, one has to question whether any amount of work will be enough. The KttDing world will have to wait and see what Hotrod has up his sleeves this year.
Hello everybody. I'd like to welcome viewers joining us from Hotrod's little neck 'o the blogosphere. This is the Official Hotrod Watches the Steelers and Squirms Liveblog (TM) and we at Dabysan in Hammersmith Palais are thrilled to be your humble documentarians. Hotrod hasn't quite made it to Casa Dabysan yet, but we expect him any moment now. We'll get get started when the Steelers and Patriots do. I'm personally rooting for a close game, because I think that will make Mr. Rod wildly uncomfortable. I've hidden my breakables and warned my downstairs neighbors about the pacing, so we should be all set to go.
Excelsior!
4:04 P.M. -- Our guest of honor arrives. He'e wearing a Jerome "Fatback" Bettis Jersey and an already-tightly-wound terrible towel. His face has a greenish cast, and his breathing seems a little erratic. I should have rented a defibrillator.
4:14 -- Jason Witten can lick my balls. I think he may have just put the kibosh on the Fluffy Bunnies fantasy football season. Vexing. Still, I'm not going to let him rob me of the joie de vivre of watching Hotrod suffer.
4:16 -- Speaking of suffering, Hotrod is already beginning to twist, before the game even starts. The Chargers and Titans have just played to a tie and are headed into overtime. Hotrod seems a bit frantic that the nice folks at CBS won't cut to the Steelers game. Stupendous. C'mon triple overtime.
4:19 -- No such luck, we'll apparently be cutting to the Steelers after the break. Hotrod is sitting for the moment, but he's tapping his foot like the drummer for Slayer.
4:21 -- Are you ready for some football?!?! We're underway. And the Pats go three and out. Hotrod is as close to chipper as I expect to see him today.
4:24 -- Hotrod hangs the extra terrible towel on my book-case. Very festive. The Steelers convert for a first down. Hotrod has contorted his towel into a sort of shoulder sling.
4:27 -- Man the Steelers are looking awfully good. That might be good for the NFL, but it's bad for this liveblog. He hasn't even shouted any expletives yet. Lotta time on the clock though. Hotrod is literally on the edge of his seat, chin on his fists.
4:31 -- Hotrod is actually chuckling. Chuckling! It's a nervous chuckle, but still, we need to start seeing some Steelers disappointments, stat.
4:34 -- Steelers held to a field goal. Hotrod's face registers mild disappointment. Here come's Brady & Co.
4:36 -- Pats return the kickoff for 39 yards, but Hotrod is in the little Dabysan's room. Disappointing. I enjoy informing him of it when he gets out though.
4:38 -- There's the money reaction! Randy Moss makes an incredible 3rd down catch, and Hotrod lets fly the first expletives of the afternoon with 3:03 to go in the 1st. Those of you who had "Oh for fuck's sake" in the pool draw first blood.
4:42 -- Touchdown Pats! Hotrod slumps silently in his seat with the tantrum towel (thanks Emma) pressed against his face. Then he flips me off for no apparent reason. He is chuckling at a Southwest commercial though, so his spirit doesn't appear to be broken yet. Maybe in the second half.
4:47 -- I show Hotrod the liveblog so far (we're all about fairness here) and he has some choice words for the Cap'n.
4:49 -- Stillers looking decidedly more mortal on this drive. Towel twisting is reaching a fever pitch. Maybe the scientists in the audience can tell me about the stress-bearing capacity of cotton fibers.
4:52 -- Steelers forced to punt. Hotrod objects. Vocally. Glad there aren't many kids in this building.
4:54 -- This, seriously, is better than the best thing ever. Hotrod is literally mortified, and the Steelers are only down 7. I don't know why I haven't done this sooner. I'm not sure Hotrod really likes football.
4:55 -- Randy Moss catches a bomb from Brady. Touchdown Pats. Not a happy man right now. The people who had the "fuck you Phil Sims" in the pool win the second quarter, paying off at 19-3.
4:59 -- I'm a little concerned this liveblog won't make it out of the first half. I think we're one more unanswered touchdown away from him either punching me, or storming out of here, or both. Viewers at home should be pulling for the Steelers now, we don't want them to lose until the very end.
5:02 -- It's like I've got a line into the football gods. Willy Parker breaks off a big time run and Hotrod perks up a bit.
Putting together a nice drive now. The liveblog looks safe for the moment.
5:04 -- Touchdown Steelers. Najeh Davenport makes it look as easy as taking a dump in a hamper. Hotrod shouts "Woo!"
5:10 -- Three-and-out Pats. Hotrod seems cautiously optimistic...or maybe just nauseated. He's tough to read.
5:12 -- Whoop! Spoke to soon. Pittsburgh screws up a pretty simple punt and the Pats recover. For those of you scoring at home, the curse for this one is "oh fucking-A!"
5:17 -- Hotrod and I find something to be mutually happy about. My fantasy football opponent has the Pats kicker, so when he shanks the field goal try, we both cheer. We just hit another high point in Hotrod's emotional roller-coaster.
5:21 -- Hotrod, shockingly, doesn't like a spot that goes against the Steelers.
5:28 -- The Steelers have gone for it on 4th down twice in this drive. I can actually see the years coming off Hotrod's life.
5:33 -- Steelers fieldgoal try. Hotrod's inner monologue isn't so inner. Sample dialogue: "he's going to miss it. I don't have a good feeling about this. he's going to miss it....he's going to [Reed's kick is good] oh...good." Some people think the glass is half full, some half empty. Hotrod thinks it's broken and filled with poison.
5:48 -- Halftime. Couldn't ask for better. The game is close and Hotrod is running out of things to do to allay his nervousness. I expect him to start counting the number of raisins in my kitchen like Rain Man pretty soon. Hotrod sighs and says "I hate football" to nobody in particular.
5:58 -- I just want to take this opportunity to state definitively and for the record that Hotrod knows more than me about almost everything, but especially football and music. Excelsior! (EDITORS NOTE: We've had a security breach. We now return you to your normal programming.)
6:02 -- Back from halftime. Hotrod is cursing again. Though he still seems a little amused with himself over his little foray into Internet vandalism.
6:11 -- Touchdown Pats on a trick play that involves a dropped lateral. Hotrod has said "that's a bullshit play" three times...make that five.
6:16 -- If my gentle viewers were playing a game in which they had to drink every time Hotrod said "bullshit," they'd be loaded after the last few minutes.
6:18 -- Uh-oh. I think we're on Hotrod bailing watch again. He's somewhat apoplectic. And I don't think the towel can take much more.
6:22 -- CBS shows some stock footage of Pats' owner Robert Kraft and Hotrod flips off the TV for the first time today. Nobody had that taking until the third quarter.
6:29 -- If you're enjoying this liveblog, it's time to start rooting for a miracle, like a Steelers interception in the end zone. I don't think Hotrod can take much more of this. 2nd and Goal, Pats.
6:32 -- Touchdown Pats and Hotrod literally had his jacket on before the extra point was kicked. I talked him off the ledge for now, but I think we're on borrowed time. I'm keeping my witty bon mots to myself at this point.
6:36 -- I wanted to share this comment "I'm surprised Phil Sims was able to take Tom Brady's cock out of his mouth long enough to make that comment." Priceless.
6:40 -- Annnnnndddd he's out. Hotrod stormed out a second ago, trailing a string of epithets. I don't think he's coming back. He lasted through three quarters.That's something, right? I think that about does it for this liveblog folks, because really, who cares about the actual game? Thank you all for joining us. I'll include updates as necessary.
