KttD: The Contenders - Cap'n Crunch
With the Eight Annual Karaoke to the Death VIII fast upon us, the editors at Dabysan in Hammersmith Palais thought it would be a good time take a closer look at some of the main competitors: their strengths, weaknesses and potential obstacles to taking home Lord Ramsey's Cup.
Cap'n Crunch is a bad karaoketeer with all the the tools needed to be champion. The younger brother of KttD IV winner Soo Do Nim, the Cap'n possess takes all the ...skills... that make Soo so great -- arrhythmic dancing, poor body awareness, tremulous, off-putting voice, smarmy stage presence, etc. -- and adds in a healthy dose of shame and embarrassment that the extrovert Soo could never muster. Take a bad singer of Soo's character and make him just a little bit worse and you should have something special. So why has the Cap'n never hoisted Lord Ramsey's Cup? The answer is as simple as it is sad...The Cap'n is a tanker.
As everyone knows, KttD has only two enduring commandments: you have to try and you have to suck. Tanking -- the act of deliberately singing below your natural ability (such as it is) -- violates the trust relationship between performer and audience and is the gravest sin a KttCompeitior can commit. To hear the Cap'n tell it, his perfidy started innocently enough. Just before he was slated to sing in KttD VI, the Cap'n heard KttD legend Hotrod deliver his now infamous performance of "Since You Been Gone." Intimidated, the Cap'n decided he had to give his offering "a little spice." Pressed by KttJournalist Vanna to explain himself, Crunch admitted that he "tried to suck." It was admission that sent shockwaves through the KttCommunity.
The Capn's treachery was tough for most of the KttFaithful to fathom. Here was a competitor with more natural (in)ability than most could ever dream of, resorting to the cheap and vile parlor tricks of tankery. Many couldn't understand it. Although he returned with an apparently tank-free performance in KttD VII, the stain of tanking doesn't wash off easily, or ever fully disappear. As of today, the Cap'n lifetime ban is under review in the Hague, and he is expected to compete under protest in KttD VIII. The question is whether he can bring his natural ability to bear, shake off the stains of the past, and give the honorable, awful performance we've all been expecting from him since the beginning of his thus-far disappointing career.
Strengths: You name it, the Cap'n has got it. Bad voice? Check. Absurd, uncoordinated dancing? Check. Shyness? Check. Hunger and a talent for inspired song choice (last year he performed "Man...I Feel Like a Woman")? Check and check.
Weaknesses: The Cap'n's "scarlet T" is a heavy cross to bear, and the truth is, he'll have to be more than just bad to sway the minds of many judges. He'll have to be extraordinarily, legendarily awful. The good news for the Cap'n is, if any one can do it, he can.
Comments
But as far as KttD goes, Hotrod and I are merely stewards of a proud tradition that dates back generations*. We take our stewardship seriously, so what you may take to be dictatorial is merely just the two of us fulfilling our duties as guardians.
*of fruit flies
One would think that we would receive more praise for our selfless stewardship of the proud heritage of KttD. Instead, there is naught but libelous accusations of dictatorial turpitude. Such are the lives of visionaries....
And Daby... I'm waiting, waiting, waiting for you profile of my dear, tone-deaf B. We did some sleuthing the other night and managed to find a song that not only showcases his bad singing, but also scores high marks for creepiness.
Oh boy - some scary shite comin' your way.
Your comment was wrong enough. But repeating the errors after they are called out as such is inexcusable.