Hotrod Wins KttD IX - Becomes First Three-Time Champion

ALEXANDRIA -- In a razor-close competition marked by consistent, if not transcendent performances, Karaoke to the Death co-founder and multiple champion Hotrod drew on his deep reserves of tactics and willpower to eke out a narrow victory in the Ninth Annual Karoke to the Death IX.

Hotrod came out of the gate swinging with an early performance of "No One" by Alicia Keys that set the tone for the night. It wasn't a knockout punch, but it was bad enough to thrust the grizzled old champ into the lead, where he fended off a field of game competitors on his way to a wire-to-wire victory decided by the closest of margins.

Slumped in a creaky, sweating heap on a broken-down stool in the Rock It locker-room (vomit-stained bathroom - ed.) , the KttD I, VI and now IX champ showed his age as he broke down in front of reporters. "That's me up on that stage. I give you people a little bit of my soul up there every President's Day Weekend. Take it you jackals, take it all," Hotrod railed, adding "Go Steelers."

(Note: YouTube's new favorite thing is to disable embedding. Fun. Click on the video if you want to hear the song sung correctly.)

The night got off to a promising start as the Rock It Karaoke DJ -- a source of controversy in years past -- arrived on time, and got the song list started with no hassle and no scuzzy townie shennanigans. Some KttAttendees expressed aprehension at the clutch of rowdy Rock It patrons in uninronic cowboy hats, who looked like they 1) had gotten into a unsecured batch of human growth hormone and 2) knew a thing or two about the fine art of dive-bar pugilism. But those concerns proved to be misplaced, as the townie population was more than usually supportive and respectful of the KttProceedings.

After the townies got things started with a barrage of earnestly-sung country songs, KttD co-founder Dabysan took the stage for the first KttPerformance of the night. In nine years of performing, it was Dabysan's first time in the dreaded pole position, and first time performing ahead of fellow co-founder Hotrod.

Dabysan tore into his performance of Montel Jordan's "This is How We Do It" with gusto, but it was almost immediately apparent that it wasn't the right song choice for the KttD V Champ. Once again, his overly comfortable stage demeanor and love of the spotlight hamstrung him, as it had in so many years past. The song was poorly sung, to be sure, but Dabysan's accompanying dancing, capering and obvious enjoyment led to a bar-wide song-and-dance party that killed any slim chances the song had of factoring in the voting.

Hotrod took the stage next and delivered what would be the performance of the night, a reedy, earnest, sickly performance of No One, by Alicia Keys. The performance bore all of Hotrod's loathsome trademarks -- crippling stage fright, rigid stance, two-handed death grip on the microphone and of course, his singularly unpleasant, fey singing voice wavering indistinctly throught the key changes in Keys' passionate torch song. If anything kept the performance from being a home run, it was Hotrod's inability to really belt it out at the top of his volume. To appreciate how bad it was, KttCompetitors actually had to be looking at him. Thankfully for him, all of them were, and the totality of the performance was truly rotten.

But Hotrod would have to stave off a bevy of worthy competitors in is quest for an unprecedented third victory. First up was the always dangerous Cap'n Crunch, who took the stage immediately after Hotrod to perform the attrocious "I Was Made For Loving You," by Kiss. Crunch was terrible, and to his credit, there wasn't a hint of tanking in his performance, but while bad, he failed to achieve previous lows. Some said that his decision to move away from the gender-bending, uncomfortably sexualized genre that has defined his KttCareer was a mistake. But it should be noted that the Cap'n was one of only four performers to actually tally votes in KttD IX.  He'll be back in KttD X.

Crunch's performance opened the floodgates to an onslaught of KttChallengers who delivered consistently bad, but not excruciating performances. There was Soo Do Nimh, doing a severe injustice to Jackson Browne's Running On Empty; Jeff -- a KttD newcomer -- showed his mettle with a surprisingly dischordant and uncomfortable version of Enrique Iglesias' "Hero"; Andie -- another newcomer -- who wowed everyone with a consistently off-key dismantling of Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now"; and Alan, who bellowed his way through "Welcome to the Jungle."

The best performance of the night (not really a compliment in this competiton) went to Jason P, who got the Rock It rolling (PUNishment - ed.) with a masterful performance of "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips. Jason lit the bar on fire. Put some punky guitars in there, and he'd have a radio hit that'd make the post-ironic hipsters swoon.

But even as all these performances came and went, the KttAudience braced for the Big Three of this year's KttCompeition -- mercilessly untalented newcomer Matayas, reigning KttD Champ Aussie Bob and odds-on favorite Emma Peel.

KttD VII Champ Peel was up first, and figured to blow the competition out of the water with Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U." But Peel was off her game. The elements were there to be sure: wooden posture, lead-footed "dancing," and of course Emma's singluarly tuneless singing voice. But she just didn't manage to eke out the big cringes that she did in previous compeitions. In hindsight, Emma performs best when she's singing a song intended for a man, and her "range" was a little too close to Sinead's to be truly mortifying. When the dust settled, Emma tallied no votes for her dissapoingly adequate performance.

Reigning champ Aussie Bob fared slightly better, coming to the competition with one of the best song selections of the night -- "Extreme's More than Words" -- and delivering it in his uniquely tone deaf fashion. Bob eked out a couple votes for his tunelessness, but was hampered by two key drawbacks: 1) the song drew a lusty, and unexpected, singalong from the townies and 2) the talky quality of the tune lulled Bob into state where he was more speaking than singing, which undercut the pain potential of the song. The sophmore slump is a very real phenomenon in KttD, and Bob caught a nasty case.

Hotrod's biggest challenge came from a contender who suffered no such slump. From the moment she took the stage in KttD VIII, it was clear that Matays had something sinister hiding beneath her good natured facade. Her performance of Barracuda very nearly won her the competition as a rookie -- a nearly impossible feat -- and the KttCrowd was eager to see what she'd do this year. Matayas didn't disappoint. Her performance of Natalie Cole's "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" was just brutal. With indefatigable good-naturedness, she belted out the song in a voice that never, ever threatened to stray into the appropriate register. The performance delivered the kind of shudder- and cringe-inducing moments that KttD victories are made of. When the dust settled, and the assembled ears stopped ringing, it was clear that it had become a two-horse race between Hotrod and Matayas.

Hotrod, Dabysan and the Cap'n  managed to sing second songs, and while Dabysan redeemed himself somewhat with a frayed, out-of-key deconstruction of Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi," none of the second performances factored in the final voting.

The judges were split right down the middle, with one camp solidly behind Matayas and the other backing Hotrod. In the end, it was Matayas herself who decided the competition. By casting her vote for Hotrod, she put him over the top with a two-vote lead. Had she voted for herself, KttD would have ended in an unprecedented deadlock -- something that would have sent the rules committee into a state of high alert. But she voted for Hotrod, and the rest is history.

Matayas was phillisophical in defeat. "I would have liked to have taken home the Cup," Matayas said, "but I did my best, and what can I say? Hotrod really, really sucks."

Excelsior!